Lucid Dreaming

            “Is this real? Am I dreaming?” I ask myself throughout the day.

            Usually, the answer is, “No. I am awake.” I am driving to the coffee shop down the road to write and drink too much coffee. I am at a barbeque in Brazil with a bunch of lawyers and my secret boyfriend. 

A big party in Brazil where I didn't speak the same language as anyone else? Yeah, that happened.

I am in LA, out drinking in Hollywood with talented young writers. I am in Las Vegas, dancing all night on the strip. 

Glee star Darren Criss playing Disney songs on a piano for a Vegas sing-along? Could be reality. 

I am dressed as a peacock watching fireworks.

            In each of these cases, nothing tipped me off to let me know that what I was experiencing was not really happening. I was awake. This was reality. 

            BUT 

           Twice now, when I’ve looked around my day and asked myself, “Am I dreaming?” the answer has been, “Yes. This is a dream.”

            Then the fun part can begin! Welcome to the Matrix! With practice you can learn to control your dream world! You can fly, teleport, have sex with young Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie at the same time and separately! 

You can fly while having sex! You can go cruising the universe with your lost lover! You can be free from the constraints of physics and philosophy! 

These are all things I aspire to do one day.

            I began teaching myself to lucid dream by recording my dreams whenever I woke up. Whatever I remembered, even if it was only a feeling, I’d write it down.

With time, I made a database of events, people, or objects that only exist in my dreams.

            I do tests throughout my day to see if I’m dreaming or awake. I’ll fully commit myself and see if I can jump from the ground and in to a tree. Most likely, I’ll only come off the ground a foot, but there’s a chance I’ll soar to the top of the tree! That’s conclusive evidence I’m dreaming.

            A funny thing I’ve discovered through this exercise – it’s nearly impossible to tell what’s reality and what's a dream. Reality is so varied, bizarre, ironic, and unpredictable that most dream experiences, no matter how exceptional, fall somewhere within the realm of possibilities. 

            Am I sitting in a field, silently watching black crows? Am I in a remake of Wet Hot American Summer? Is a woman taking a topless mug shot of me while I stand in tree pose? All of these could be happening. None of it is bizarre enough to let me know I’m dreaming. I don’t recognize, until I’m awake, the unlikeness of these scenarios.

            To realize I’m dreaming, something completely impossible has to happen: I have to be able to walk on water faster than Jesus, Ayn Rand and I have to go skiing together, Darth Vader needs to challenge me to a hot-dog eating contest (I would know that was a dream, because I'm a vegetarian).

            The first time I successfully lucid dreamed, I was laying beside my college boyfriend in his bed when, suddenly, he became a completely different man. His appearance and clothing changed completely. The jig was up! He was caught! I pointed at him:

            “You’re not real! This is a dream! I’m dreaming right now!”

            There’s satisfaction that comes from pointing at someone who’s talking to me, interrupting them, and yelling, "You don’t really exist other than in my mind!" Oh man! I get excited just thinking about it! They never believe me when I tell them it’s a dream, but I think deep down, they know their reality is merely a shadow of my psyche.

            I heard my old boyfriend’s voice coming from outside the room where I was now in bed with a man I didn’t know.

            “Baby, you’re talking in your sleep. You need to wake up,” his voice said, far away.

            “You’re not dreaming, baby,” the man I didn’t know told me. “You’re awake. I'm your boyfriend.”

            Oh no. If I’m awake then that means I’m crazy. I don’t want to be crazy. 

I got very upset because I believed the dream, when it lied and told me that it was real. I tried very hard to wake up. 

I opened my eyes to see my boyfriend was back! I did it! This was definitely reality! 

My boyfriend’s hair changed color. Shit. 

Shit. I’m crazy. The evidence against my sanity was growing. As I ruminated on my madness, James Franco burst in to the room with the cast of Your Highness.

“Come on!” James Franco yelled to me. “We need to make it through the portal!” He beckoned me in to the next room, as he went running through.

I followed him, but part of me was sure I was sleep walking, about to walk in to a closet alone. I would be found sleeping on shoes in the morning, my madness confirmed. I didn’t enter the portal because of my fear, my doubt, my lack of confidence in my mind's story.

I reentered the bedroom, and then I woke up to find myself in New Jersey sleeping next to my mother.

Lucid dreaming can only be accomplished by believing 100% in the reality of the world you create. Big fan.