Can Men and Women be Friends?

My friend Romy Kessler wrote a hilarious blog post about whether or not women and men can be friends. 

http://hookuplowdown.blogspot.com/2011_11_01_archive.html

Romy is a prototype of nature that was, unfortunately, never put in to mass production – an intelligent, incredibly funny, pixie blonde who loves all people and will approach anyone and everyone with a huge smile. She’s been in Israel for a while now, and I’m amazed she’s made it for so long without a story where she left in the car of an unknown man who had said he’d buy her cookies, or something equally idiotic. Romy loves cookies. If I were going to kidnap Romy, cookies would be 90% of my plan. 

“So, I got in his car, because he said he’d get me cookies… and then he turned on a road I didn’t know…”

“Oh my god! Romy! Are you okay?” I cried out in the hypothetical conversation I was having with Romy in my imagination.

“And I got really worried and said, ‘Hey! Where are we going?’”

“Oh no! He pulled over in some abandoned lot and refused to let you out, didn’t he? I had a Somalian taxi driver try to pull that shit on me one time. Luckily a cop was there, or who knows what would have happened...”

“Hahaha! Leah! You’re funny. No. Then he told me it was a short cut to the mall! And we went to the mall and ate sooooo many cookies! Leah, I ate way too many cookies!”

“Romy! Never do that again! That man could have raped you. Or killed you. Or anything he wanted to do with you!”

“No, he was nice,” Romy answered. “Nobody who likes cookies could be a rapist.” (Keep in mind, Romy never actually said any of this, but she definitely would have had I listened long enough to let her.) In college, I’d envy Romy’s naiveté: she seemed free from so much of what kept me awake at night about the world. She seemed untouchable, and I wanted desperately for her to always be that way.  

Romy actually listens when you talk. Romy actually cares. She doesn’t just look like she cares; the bitch Actually cares.  So what did Romy decide? Can men and women be friends? Romy’s conclusion: No. They can’t. Next question.

                                                   Romy and I with our friends from Ohio State's Varsity Swim Team

I met Romy my junior year of college at The Ohio State University. I first saw her at an assembly where writer/director Kevin Smith was talking about how fat and depressed he is these days.

“I’m incredibly fat and depressed these days,” Kevin Smith said in to the microphone. “Now a question from the audience.”

“Can I get a hug from you?” a cutie little blondie in a fuzzy, long sleeved, white sweater, with her bra straps (always) showing, had waited in line to ask Kevin Smith this question in front of over 500 students.

“I’m sorry honey, I don’t think my wife would appreciate that.” That first night knowing Romy, she didn’t get to hug Kevin Smith because his wife would have been jealous. Awesome when you first think about it, but then sad when you realize Romy will never get to hug Kevin Smith, or any married man, or any man with a girlfriend, or any man with an aggressive girl who likes him, without risking her safety and negatively affecting some poor woman’s sanity. And Romy loves hugs. If it didn’t result in so much jealousy, anger, horniness, and confusion, then Romy would surely hug everyone she met.

I had this offensive little magazine I created for fun with some frat boys during college, and after Kevin Smith’s talk, my friends and I split up and passed them out to everyone leaving. My boyfriend at the time met Romy when she approached him and said she wanted to help out with the magazine. He told her to come to a photo shoot the next day to talk to him about the magazine. The next day, he told me about her interest in writing for the magazine. I knew it was the cutie little blondie from the night before, and I knew she seemed cool, and I figured my boyfriend was probably attracted to her.

“She looked dumb,” I said. “She asked Kevin Smith for a hug. What a crack whore. She is probably a terrible writer.”

“No, she’s actually pretty good!” my boyfriend said.

“Yeah, I bet you think she is.” I rolled my eyes.

“Whatever, you’re acting crazy,” he said. False. He was acting crazy. I was sure of it. I was acting purely on reason. He showed me an article that Romy wrote. It was Great! It was so great in fact, that I quickly forgot my unreasonable jealousy and called Romy immediately. My boyfriend was never near her again, because she was pretty much my girlfriend - have you seen the movie Bridesmaids? Straight women totally date each other.

George is an exception to the rule :-) But just because him and Romy are the two nicest, most huggable people I know, and because he has plenty of girlfriends (who probably all hate Romy). 

            As Romy’s friend, her kindness irritated the crap out of me. I was always being forced to make bullshit, small talk with people I would have preferred to ignore. But Romy found everyone fascinating. Romy wanted to know about everyone. Romy is a nicer girl. I didn’t want to talk to anyone a friend, who I considered a reliable judge of character, hadn’t pre screened. This didn’t include freshman business majors sitting next to us at lunch for me, but Romy wanted to know all about intro to inventory management.

On her dorm room floor, there was an Indian boy who was in love with her – puppy-style, blinder-eyed love. It was obvious from the moment I met him.

            “He’s in love with you,” I said.

            “Who? Rohit? Hahaha that’s funny! Rohit definitely doesn’t like me! He hates nice, funny, smart, cute blonde girls! No, we’re just friends!”

            “Romy, you can’t be friends with boys like Rohit without them being in love with you. You can maybe be friends with guys who get so many girls to sleep with them, that it’s like a cute, weird thing they do to have one attractive female friend, but if a guy isn’t getting laid, you just can’t pretend you’re friends with him. It’s weird. You need to make real friends.”

            “Rohit doesn’t like me. Rohit is my friend,” Romy reiterated. When Rohit inevitably professed his undying love for Romy she called me confused.

            “I had no idea he liked me! This sucks because I really liked him a lot, I had such a fun time with him, but now it’s weird to spend time together.”

            “I’m sorry, Romy. Just learn from this and move on.” 

Through our two years at Ohio State together I watched innumerable “friends” come and go. I think Israel is finally what broke her to reality. A normal friendship can be hard enough to fake, but a friendship between an American blonde girl who has a boyfriend and an Israeli man is out of the question.

I can think of only four exceptions (that sometimes work) to the no-friendship female- male friend rule:

1)   Gay men

2)   Friends of boyfriends/girlfriends (and this friendship often expires with the relationship, but can sometimes lead to actual friendship...)

3)   Men who can get any girl they want, therefore it’s kind of a fun, nice change to have a non-sexual female friend.
     My very few male friends that I grew up with and are now basically honorary brothers. 

     Can men and women be friends?

No. Don’t be silly.

But I’m a firm believer that men and women can enjoy spending quality, non-sexual time together until: one of the “friends” gets in to an actual relationship where the partner forbids them from communicating with the other “friend”; one of the “friends” gets drunk and tries (successfully or not) to sleep with the other “friend”; One “friend” confesses their true feelings to the other “friend.” So that's kind of like being friends. 

Any way, Romy’s article was better. Read that. http://hookuplowdown.blogspot.com/2011_11_01_archive.html