“If you could have any super power, what super power would you want?” I asked a man as we stood drinking vodka tonics by the bar in XS.
“I’d want to be able to become invisible,” he said.
“That’s a good one! You’re the first person to say that. Why do you want to be able to become invisible?”
“I don’t really know…” he said with a confused expression.
“Oh,” I said. “That disappoints me.”
It makes me sad when people haven’t put hours of energy, like I have, in to determining what their superpower would be if they could have any super power they want. I mean, what do these people spend their time thinking about? The economy or some other depressing, imaginary, irrelevant crap? I decided to help him brainstorm possibilities.
“If I were invisible, I would steal all of the time. I’d steal everything that wasn’t nailed down,” I said. The man looked appalled.
“But stealing is wrong,” he said.
“No,” I explained. “Not if you’re invisible. Invisibility eliminates the possibility of getting in to trouble. If know I won’t get caught, then it's okay to steal.”
I was trying to get a reaction. Based on his lack of effort in answering my super hero question, I’d already determined he wasn’t my type. I figured I might as well mess with him. Now, having explained my pure and honest intentions of making a man angry for my own amusement, I’d like to add that stealing is definitely okay if you’re invisible.
“No! Stealing is wrong! It’s wrong to take what’s not yours. It hurts other people,” he said.
“Except when you’re invisible. Then it’s an act of God,” I said. “Why would God have given me invisibility powers to begin with if he didn’t want me to steal? It’s just logic.”
“No! God gave you the power, and you need to choose how to use it! And stealing hurts people. It’s not fair.”
“I’d steal from banks. The money would be insured,” I explained. “I’d also steal makeup and clothes, because I want more of both of those things for myself and less for other people.”
I disgusted the man now - a Vegas nymph touting the virtues of stealing. I smiled widely as I breathed in his disdain.
“It’s just bad,” he reiterated dumbly.
“There is no good and bad,” I said. “There’s good for something and bad for something. Are you good for a drink, right now?”
“What?”
“Buy me a drink.”
“Sorry.”
“Then you are good for nothing. Do you understand? It’s philosophy.” I walked away.
After this conversation, I thought a lot about invisibility and wondered if my own sense of “right” and “wrong” had been stripped away. Was I a bad person? Was I morally depraved? Was I corrupted past the point of redemption?
Duh no. I’m a great person. He was a hypocrite.
I can only think of one possible “moral” thing I could do with invisibility: I could escape from people trying to capture or hurt me. Perhaps, if I was jailed, I could trick my captures in to believing I’d already escaped, then they’d open my cell and I could actually escape.
Other than that, I can only think of “evil” stuff to do with invisibility: you can steal, invade people’s privacy, cut the line and get in to Vegas clubs for free, watch girls undress in the locker room…
You might argue that you’d help fight the “bad guys” as a possible justification for whatever awful, deviant plan you have for how to use your invisibility, but this is the same as my rationale for my stealing being okay while invisible - the end justifies the means.
“But I could save lives!” You are exhausted with my refusal to admit all of the good you could do with invisibility.
“Well, I could save lives too!” I counter. With all of the money I could steal, I’d help educate children in lower income American cities, I’d help progress women’s rights around the world, and I’d buy decent weed for recovering heroin addicts who are sincere in their efforts to change. I’d make a difference, man!
In conclusion: It would be good for me, and beneficial for humanity, to steal if I had the super power of invisibility.
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