Then, like most dreams, I totally forgot about Dan.
Turns out Dan is super hard to remember.
But he just came up again, because I was feeling gassy and disgusting and kind of sick the other day, so I was thinking about him.
So I’ve dug up our old Love Letters to make a public declaration of our love for each other before I forget again.
My Dearest Leah,
Israel is so beautiful without you.
Dear Daniel,
How I miss your grating voice and abnormal appearance. Standing by you always made me feel like a better, more attractive person.
In comparison, of course.
Not like, you actually make me a better person.
My Dearest Leah,
It sucks that you miss me so much..
What sucks more is that we would actually make a really great couple if I wasn’t completely out of your league.
Dear Daniel,
I'm going to need your telephone number.
It is really important we get in touch.
Your cooperation might make the judge look more favorably on you in the future.
Let me explain.
Remember that one night when you were black out drunk and I told you that I took care of you all night and watched you to keep you safe and then in the morning I told you that you were sore because you fell on the nightstand and hit your pelvis?
Well... That is kind of what happened. I DID "take care of you" all night.
And you did fall and hit your pelvis on "something" repeatedly.
Against my will.
Basically, you horny asshole.
NO means NO and I'm keeping it.
AND You Are Paying For It! So call me!
Dear Leah,
All I was doing was trying to populate the Jewish race.
You can’t be mad at me for that, right? Birthright told me to do it!
I can't wait to hear your voice.. it’s like a whisper from an angel to a child :) or like a devil woman screaming NO when she really means YES.
either/or.
My Dearest Daniel,
The first night we met, I saw fireworks!
It ended up being from dehydration (I almost died), but I at first thought it was because I liked you so much.
I miss you.
Dear Lumpy butt,
The first night I saw you, I was a little nervous at first that people would wonder why I would be interested in someone so below me physically, intellectually and so on.
However, I figured that people would eventually pity me for my poor luck with women and decide to buy me gifts to compensate.
Since then, I have received a ridiculous amount of charitable gifts including a trip to Vietnam, fine jewelry, and charitable donations in my name to the American Association of Plastic Surgery.
I am so happy that we have met and that you didn't die of dehydration (it just would have been embarrassing for you.)
Hope all is well in ugoville,
Dan
To The Love of My Life,
Ever since I met you, you've been all I can think about, other than: myself, my friends, my job, how much I dislike China, and getting things for free.
I want you to know that I've remained completely faithful to you.
Not physically faithful, of course - I've had sex with more guys (and girls) than times you've gotten the clap.
I trust that you've been faithful too.
I'm sure you have, it's way harder for you to get someone to have sex with you than it is for me.
I want nothing else than to be with you. And a puppy. And chocolate.
Someday I shall see you again, meu amor.
Until that day, I'll totally miss you a lot.
with love and lust
Leah
*p.s. I'll fill your necklace for you any time you want.
* The necklace in question, on Tom's forehead in this photo, is disgusting and Really Exists in Israel. I’m not going to explain the entire concept because it’s very boring. But it involves vaginal juices in exchange for sleeping in…
My Dearest Leahkins,
Saying nice things to me?
Wow life must be getting pretty desperate for you.
How embarrassing.
I bet it’s hard to show your weird face in public sometimes. You already had an unfortunate amount of my pity.. but now?
We better have sex very soon then.. I'm sure it will give you a slew of new insults. My awkward sexual inabilities will force you back into a pattern of cruel jokes and immature degrading..
And after all isn't that what the Jews would want?
For us to work so hard to preserve this tradition of sarcastic snobbery and wit.
I'm pretty sure that's what Birthright taught us.
Lachium
Dear Daniel,
I miss your sexy ass. I want to touch you in naughty places and fill up your necklace vial so you can sleep in for a week!
If I'd planned better I could have tried to visit before Christmas... maybe this summer.
Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you.
That is how I know you go on!
Can't wait to serenade you to sleep with our song just like it used to be.
Dear Leah,
I don’t remember you ever serenading me to sleep will Celine Dion, to be honest.
Maybe it was so horrific my mind did me a favor and blacked it out..
Next time, you should try stripping for me.
I’m sure nothing would put me to sleep more quickly.
It would be so awesome if you came to NY (for you at least), but I have to warn you that I can’t really be seen in public with someone of your physique and stature.
Sometimes its hard for me to be so beautiful and loved because it makes me inaccessible to homely people like you.
Hopefully spending time with you can be put towards my community service hours the courts have sentenced me with for driving my car through that football practice after my afternoon Jack Daniels binge.
Either way, I’m sure we can hang out in dark places or at strange hours of the night to catch up.
I miss you like a recovering addict misses crack and I look forward to reading your creepo magazine.
♥ Dan
No comments:
Post a Comment