A Letter to Romy in Israel

Dear Romy,

I miss the way you eat cookies, and tell me jokes, and hang out with The Ohio State varsity swim team.

I like to do all of these things too.

How are things in Israel?

I hope you haven’t been arrested or deported yet.

There’s no need to rush your International criminal record. Put some thought into what crimes are really important to you and then dedicate yourself fully to committing them.

I lost my camera on the beach in Tel Aviv when I was there three summers ago. So be a pal and go find it for me? Thanks in advance for being such a diligent searcher. 

PS We can't be friends anymore if this takes you longer than a week.

How many Israeli hearts have you broken so far? My guess is 38.5 hearts.  

I told you not to date Israeli men but you never listen to me when I tell you how to live your life – you need to work on this.

How many people have you tricked into believing that all we eat in America is ice cream and cheeseburgers?

Do they have ice cream and cheeseburgers in Israel?

What do they call ice cream and cheeseburgers in Israel?

Probably not a “Royale with Cheese.” That’s what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Paris. I know this because of the movie Pulp Fiction. Isn’t that fascinating?

Can you say, “I want to make out with you,” in Hebrew yet?

I can. I can also say, "Shalom."

What stereotypes have you discovered are true? Any of the really offensive ones? 

Have any conservative Jewish communities chased you through the streets throwing rocks at you for immodestly showing your bra straps under a tank top?

If not, I highly recommend doing this and then putting it in slow motion on youtube and dubbing it with the Matisyahu song “Jerusalem.” I'd watch that and then click the little "like" button on the left hand side. 

When I was in Jerusalem, on my birthday, I snuck out of the hotel I was staying at with two cute Israeli soldiers and my friend Rachel, and we smoked a 4-year-old spliff on the roof of a kibbutz overlooking the city and Bethlehem, and I got a headache.

Have you had any similar religious experiences in the holiest of all cities?

Are you sick of falafel yet?

Is Adam Sandler there? Say hello to him for me! And tell him I thought the movie Grownups was “cute” and "okay." He’ll appreciate my input.

I miss your face.

Be safe, remember not to openly support Palestine, and let me know how the walking on water at the Sea of Galilee goes!

Shalom

Your Sin City friend

Leah

Xoxoxo