Between Courtly Love and the Glory Hole

I read a story the other day. 

A man was arrested when his neighbors called the cops.

He’d been making passionate, thoughtful love to the hole in the top of the picnic table in his backyard.

Sorry picnic table umbrella – you have some competition for this fickle hole’s affections.

Wait… so…

What?! Men will have sex with the holes in picnic tables!? The male libido is ridiculous.

I’ve never once been tempted to have sex with an inanimate object I’ve found in my backyard…

It’s hard enough living as a woman, but feminism aside, I’m glad I don’t have to try and control a penis. 

Men at least make it seem super hard.  

Hehehe super hard.

So I was listening to some music with some friends in college, and I was the only girl in the group.

One of the guys tells me, “We were talking earlier, and we said the ideal romantic relationship for a man is the glory hole. You’ve stuck your penis somewhere, you don’t know exactly who’s servicing it, you don’t have to talk to this person, and then you’re on your way.”

*Sigh. Why couldn’t I have been born a lesbian? Why do I love you lying bastards so much?

“How would you explain a woman’s ideal relationship?”

I lay some enlightenment on the Neanderthals.

“Courtly love is the woman’s ideal relationship. Knights used to go on brave quests to prove their Love for a lady. They’d write them beautiful love poems and dedicate all of their honorable actions to their missus, but they felt it was an imposition to actually approach or talk to the object of their affection.”

So ideally, I’d like a man to worship me and send me neato presents from afar, possibly write some groovy music about me, all while leaving me the hell alone.

This sound super reasonable to me. 

So, the trick to a satisfactory male-female relationship?

Find a compromise between courtly love and glory hole.

That should be super easy.