I have a disorder :(

I’ve wanted an Adderall script for years.

But I thought my obvious lack of having ADHD would affect my ability to obtain this precious, peculiar pill of productivity.

But then, there came along Adam Levine - sexy, cocky, Jane lover, Adam Levine. OMG so hawt!

He let me know that the pharmaceutical companies are paying him to promote adults having ADHD! What a happy coincidence! I’ve been seriously considering having ADHD for years! Adam Levine finally tipped the scale of my personal responsibility in favor of medicating myself in to a flurry of productivity. With Adam Levine on my side, there are likely hundreds of doctors paid, or at least strongly encouraged, to give me Adderall! Adderall must be easy to get!

I talked to my mom and told her the good news:

“Thanks to Adam Levine, I can definitely get Adderall, and then nothing, but my heart exploding or going insane, would be able to stop me!”

“Leah, are you sure it’s not dangerous?”

“Well, it’s not “good for me” per say... It is a highly addictive amphetamine salt that is easily abused… but Ayn Rand took a similar amphetamine salt for thirty years and she wrote Atlas Shrugged then died a bitter old lady! So how bad could it really be for me?”

“Didn’t Ayn Rand go on some really long-winded, speedy rants in Atlas Shrugged?”

“Probably just a little touch of amphetamine psychosis. A small price to pay for changing the world.”

“Do you really think you need it though?”

“Yeah. I’m a writer. Which is probably one of the least natural things for a human being to ever want to do. Adderall makes it so I don’t go all Sylvia Plath sitting alone all of the time. It makes writing about the most fun activity I could ever engage in.”

“You really have trouble focusing?”

“Oh yeah, absolutely. It may seem like laziness and no sense of personal responsibility, but I’m pretty sure it’s actually a medical condition.”

“You were always so good at focusing. Remember the snowflakes you used to like to make? You’d spend hours just cutting new snowflakes out of paper.”

“Yeah, until I Iost complete interest. I’m always obsessed until, suddenly, I couldn’t care less. Have I told you about the new guy I'm seeing?”

“You were always much better than your sister, Sheanna, at focusing.” (Suck it, Sheanna!)

“Elaborate on how I'm way, way better than Sheanna at everything I’ve ever tried, please.”

“Well, that’s definitely true. That’s why I always snuck in to your room at night and whispered that I love you more than her. But one example, of the thousands I have right on the tip of my tongue, is tying your shoes. You just kept at it ‘til you got it, and Sheanna gave up.”

“Yeah, Sheanna still just wears those velcro shoes everywhere. You’re totally right that I’m the clear, obvious favorite. Don’t worry, Mom, once I have the Adderall, I’ll spend all of my time writing and cleaning, and with all of the time I’ll save by not eating or sleeping, I’m sure to be a success!”

With my mom’s obvious approval of Adam Levine, I went to www.ownyouradhd.com and took the quiz and, just as I suspected:  I may or may not have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder! Yes! I'm being encouraged to see a doctor! 

Now, if I could only focus long enough to find a doctor listed and make an appointment. Next week, it is!